and i'm leading it my way.

Tuesday, August 31, 2004

This quote below is dedicated to My dearest baobei...

Love is a contradiction. It's hard to find but easy to lose, makes you feel good but hurts you so bad, opens your eyes but makes you blind, fills up your heart then tears it apart.

You don't really have to hold hands.

You don't really have to see each other to make one feel what's inside, but you just have to be true to let love see what's with you.

Don't let doubts lose the magic of love because it's not everyday you meet the person who has the magic to let you fall in love.

Its not everyday that I can find someone who will shower me with love & care in return for my unconditional love & faithfulness for him.
If distance were measured in terms of the heart, we'd never be more than a minute apart.
Even though i may not be with you all the time now, but I will definitely make-up for all the lost time that i wasn't with you.. I will spend most of my time with you & make you as happy as before... Recently, he has been having headaches with his future path & i how i wish i can help him to solve all this problem for him, to look after him & care of him.. Just like how he always supports me, makes me happy and feel loved... *muackz*
Waiting to let our 'magic of love' begin...

♥ 7:16 AM

Monday, August 23, 2004

E wound that healed hurts again... When i close my eyes i think of u.. Nothing's gona change my luv 4 u, u outa noe by nw hw much i luv u.. I guess i need u babe.. It's jz too late,nothing last 4eva.. Sori i can't be perfect. I'm not a perfect person.. & i just want u to noe.. U can call mi selfish, but all i wan is ur luv.. U can call mi unperfect, but who's perfect.. Seemz too lost in my reflection.. P.U.Z.Z.L.E.Z rulez~~*MuACkXz*

♥ 9:14 PM

Saturday, August 21, 2004

Yesterday didn't post anything cause nothing happen.. Other den skip meeting cause I woke up late.. ( Haha.. ) Today, hmm.. going out with bibi to " People Park Center " book air ticket & hotel for our holiday... ( Arghx.. ) Still got few week more to go.. ( Sianzz.. ) Then on the way home, bibi found his favorites CD sang by "GUO LING FENG".. ( Wau Lau ) stupid sia.. Went home immediately after that.. Reaches home, saw bi's dad.. So happy sia, so long never see him already... He told me alot of their family problem then i listen already very angry but cnnot do anythings.. Too bad or else i confirm box that ASS.. DAME STUPID... Both their wife are BITCH.... Feel like giving them two tight slap & ask them slp with snake leh... Haiz, after listening all the story then bibi ask me go inside room listen to the CD... Hmm, really not bad leh... After awhile bibi suggest to go bring her grand mum to his house so bo bian even though i am dame tired but i still accompany him there... Soon reaches home is around 8 plus 9 then we faster had our dinner & zZzzzzZzZzzz........ =) now going to slp le.. nite.. YaWnzzz

♥ 10:48 PM

Thursday, August 19, 2004

Miss him badly whenever we had a quarrel~~ I will always hide aside & my tear will drop immediately when I think of him.. Once he say, he had to bear with whatever rumors tat ppl will give him when he saw his friends.. Then what about me, I also have to face my family members & friends.. Have you ever think of that?? YES! Both of us choose it.. I have never think that all is rumors is nothing.. I mind, I really mind!! But @ that time, who is the one which turn me off.. Telling me, " gal, let not care about what others say ".. It's U.. & now you are saying that maybe all this to me is nothing.. No!! It's NOT!!! U know I have always try my best to explain to my family members, my friends & who ever the whole story & telling them that you are not in the wrong.. I dun wanna ppl to hurt u.. I rather I myself got hurt then to see you got hurt by them.. Correct! You will not hesistate to ROAR at me whenever I made a mistake.. But do you know that whenever you scold, shout or roar @ me, my heart break.. Really break.. Really sad.. Really feeling like crying out loud.. I take every of your words seriously.. I know I may temp to be unreasonable, naughty or even stuborn.. Then why not you still talk to me properly.. Very hard mah.. Sometime, you youself also very unreasonable and bad-temper.. I also never say anythings.. Anyway, i wanna stop here, if write somemore then i am going to cry again...

♥ 6:28 PM

I'm sad sad sad~~ & 'm having mixed emotions now... But @ the same time i can't deny i'm getting much more happier then before... The care i use to receive, the love, the concern & the attention that i use to have is getting lesser & lesser each day.. But yet our quarrel is getting more & more offen each time.. I'm so lost so so lost & confused!!! What exactly do i need or do you need.. Well, was pissed off while i was chatting with some of my friends earlier on... She was so disgusting!! Made me really wana puke for that moment... How could she ( gao sua ) someone which already attached? ( kaox ) Born to be a SLUT & BASTARD sia!!! Live like one & die like one... ( Hahaax ) Anyway, didn't really bother me that much though but can't deny it did affect me that tiny little bit.... I'm so so so paranoid.. M i just too sensitive??? Well.... noe i can't fall into the trap of love but yet i'm like happily letting myself falling deeper.....n deeper...... I know if we still counties like this, this relationship will break 1 of this days, but still no 1 choose to talk things out... Everytime when i talk about it, what i get is " Forget about it, dun say anymore ".. What is this!!! You always gave me a feeling that you have already forgive her & there is still a chance for both of you to patch thing up.. Dun ever ask me why like this & dun ever blame me for having this feeling, is all because you had never give me the secure i want.. I'm trying real hard to let you notice my present but seem like everythings has gone to waste... Alright~ Only things i wanna say is, [ IS NOT BECAUSE WE HAVE DIFFERENT THINKING, IS BECAUSE OF YOUR ATTITUDE ]

♥ 6:00 PM

Wednesday, August 18, 2004

Ok, today's yet to be another boring day... [Haha] nothing to do sia... & i hate this kinda feeling!! The constructions outside are driving me crazy like nutzzz!!!! [Argh!!!!] When will all this shit end? Kk, yesterday night was an lovely night... [Heehee...] Anyway, reaches office dame early today.. Around 6.40am leh.. Cause bi need to reach camp early for morning run, haiz, so bo bian lor, he ride me to work first before he went to camp... Went to the gym with fredo today... [Walau] So tiring now!!! [Haha] He went to cut his hair again... [Haiz] Kinda frustrated yesterday, felt that i didn''t complete all my work... Sometime working here really damn frustrating... Good thing fredo was there to gimme a hug and encourage me!!! [Wahahaha....] Okie, can guess from my laughter that that's an overjoyed laughter... [Heehee...] @ night went to Heartland Mall cut hair together with bibi.. Hmm, still not so bad leh.. Next week gonna be yet another sickening week... Coz almost everyday except Fri i have lots of work to complete!!! Bloody hell.... Sometime reach home still need to fight with my bibi till i die.. [Heeeheee] Very fun de le... Idiot always made me BLUE BLACK here and there... Tonight go home, "wo jiu gen ni ping le"

♥ 10:47 PM

Tuesday, August 17, 2004

Really can't imagine so much things happen today... All i hope is everything will turn out fine at the end of the day.. First, gastric came back again, so painful!!! Secondly, headache follow behind, very very painful!! But wat's this pain compared to emotional turmoil's... Haiz, looking so listless the whole day, staring blank n still got to handle so many works.. Worst still, push me here and there to handle over so many project, never mind, still ask me to look after the OT.... & ask me to help up with so many engineers... WTF!! To think all this in a more positive way, it's training me become more independent & increase my knowledge... SIAN AR~~ Dun say anymore le.. Out of a sudden just nw, i wish to see someone, a very very close person to me... Even jus by hearing the voice will be enough.. But i didn't dare to call him and say a word.. Afraid any of my actions will worry him & of course scare my tears will drop.. To me, he is always so nice & lovely... Whenever i thought of him, my face always carry the smile that seem to be so sweet... But sometime, i also dun know, i feel so bad & naughty.. Always like to bully and make him angry till he quarrel with me... Anyway, i dun care leh, i like leh, what can you do.. Heehee HeeHeee~~~ Jus dun know how long can i hold on to.. Is this the way to reali stretch me to my limits?? Let the sun shine again, pls!

♥ 9:18 PM

Monday, August 16, 2004

Woo Woo.. Slept a solid 13 hrs.. SIgh~ Still very tired now leh... Dun know why??? Today at 9 am.. Kor woke me up.. Talk for awhile called bibi then bibi ask me go slp again so i zZzzz again... Ring ring~~ Who called leh?? Haiz, it's daddy... Daddy called and ask me buy things to pray.. Then bo bian wake up, then go wash up go market buy the things i need and eat bee hoon.. Go home called bibi and talk for awhile i run to my bed and slp again...

♥ 11:23 PM

Saturday, August 14, 2004

hAiZ boring mah... This is what i do today....

02.30 pm: Woke up

02.45 pm: watch tv

05.00 pm: went market eat 1 packet of rojak

05.30 pm: went ke's house talk talk

07.00 pm: went to bibi's ah gong wake accompany bibi

01.15 am (15/08/04 ): went bibi's ah ma house

♥ 11:06 AM

Thursday, August 12, 2004

Today boring woke up bibi ride me to work then veryi angry... SHIT leh, KNN... Dame TU LAN!! First things open outlook, 55 emails to read... Then go do my things.. Seem like so unlucky-- Everythings goes wrong.. After work then go meet ke & er at TBP... Talk talk talk then go walk walk for awhile... & now just reach home... Sian leh, never meet bibi.. Really miss me alot, dun know what the hell he doing now.. Heehee, should be busy helping out at his ah gong wake... Haiz, better dun disturb him... Or else later cannot finish his things... Then now i guai guai stay at home and day dream.... SIAN

♥ 8:49 PM

Wednesday, August 11, 2004

Juz WatchEd finish sg idols.. quite entertaining haha.. but i feel that the judges r too fierce n strict... don even think they can sing so well ritE?.. hmm.. well some contestant realli sad case... deaf... todae veri shuang.. heeheee... meet my hubby.. see him like that really feel quit sad for him.. but i really can't do anything.... Oh this week seem so lazYYY~~!! file://....haizZZ.....//

♥ 10:47 PM

Monday, August 09, 2004

I'm sad... At around 6+, hubby's bro came home.. Happily run out and ask him how is ah gong already. But he told me he just pass away around 2+. I was shock!! Why? Why like that? My heart drop down when I heard this. I told myself, I can't tell my bibi first, coz he was at work.. So I never tell him till he reaches home.. When the moment bi reach home, I pull him to our room and tell him not to be angry or sad, he just joke with me.. Asking me what had I did wrong? I say NO.. Slowly, I tell him.. Bi your grand had left, bi was blur.. He look at me asking me when? I know bi was sad, but i really don't know how to conlso him.. After our dinner, bi ask me then gal how this few day how? I also don't know.. I dun wan to stay at home alone, but i also dun wan to go home so i keep quite.. Anyway, I know now I cannot be naughty.. Coz bi already very sad.. Haiz, I also dun know how? Where should I go? Maybe home lor? But i dun wan to leave bibi alone, i want to accompany bibi.. But I still need to work, and bi tell me he not coming home.. So bo bian.. Haiz.. Now still thinking where should I go~~ Sad sad sad.. Ah gong hope you will rest in peace... I know you should be a gd ah gong after listening so many about u... Sad that you leave us so fast... I though he will still join me and bibi wedding but now... Dun say anymore lor le....

♥ 10:51 PM

H0me al0ne!! Bibi went to work.. & today is SINGAPORE BIRTHDAY.. My bibi " DA RI ZI ".. Pretty boring actuali. S0 wad d0 u think? Heh~ I dun believe in th0se l0ve at first sight crap.. It's a wh0le new crack.. S0 pls st0p trying t0 implant l0ts 0f your idea 0n me.. U this guy dun w0rth anythings from me shitz.. Obvi0usly, he dun w0rth 2 haf me too.. G0t it??? Alright , w0ndering y th0se brainless guy still wanna get 2 know gals which are attached? Guess wad? I reali hates all this lame ass!! If u'r a real guy den u shld j0lly well let off ppl and let them live with their love one happily ever after.. Wads ur benefits to break a relationship up? Once, i give all my trust in you but what you did? [SORRY] - do you think sorry can solve everything?? I hate ppl saying sorry to me..
I don't know why you are crying like a idiot,
Fuck care what i did, was your fault somehow also,
Fuck the presents, I threw all that shit out long ago,
Fuck all the crying it didn't mean anythings to me,
Well guess what, fuck you right back.
You questioned did I care?
Maybe I would have if you didn't come to me now it's over but i do admit i'm glad I didn't catch your craps. I can't sweat that cause i'm not the gal i use to be anymore.. Now you made me do this this and here is a s0ng fr0m mi t0 u~
I HATE U~
Simple as that~
You are fucking jerk wasting my damn time~
I'm n0t dat fucking free t0 be cheated by u once more~
Wake up your fucking idea~
Wh0 d0 u think u r to me t0 cheat me~
Dun think t0 highly 0f yourself~
U'r dun w0rth anythings shit from me~
You are reali insane~
You need t0 seek f0r medical helps~
Shit u bastard~
Just fuck 0ff my life~ __

♥ 4:23 PM

Sunday, August 08, 2004

hmm .. well.. should i say i'm happy or sad? haiz.. even i myself also don't know... i may look as if i'm veri cheerful.. but deep down, i'm jus dead... okie... enough of my stupidity... todae, was damn tu lan... well, woke up then go toilet found out that my aunty come look for me.. STUPID sia!!! stomach dame pain.. pain until roll here and there.... then faster bath, and my bibi cook mee for our breakfast.. even though is jus a simple breakfast, but i can feel the heart warm feeling... coz is cook by bibi.. but veri hot leh... after our breakfast, bibi go bath then we set off to hospital and see bi's ah gong.. haiz, so long also still not ok yet.. feel so sad for him.. then bibi see me so sick he faster bring me home.. on the way home, we brought alot of bread.. heehee, reaches home, we faster watch the ghost movies.. shit leh, very scary leh.. awhile later go hougang mall pay all the bills.. then went home.. soon we had our dinner.. watch tv, play computer and awhile later we slp....

♥ 10:05 PM

Saturday, August 07, 2004

Just woke up! Waiting for my bicycle to come. Heeheex~ Won a fifth price on our company dinner on 30 July... Yesterday night slept @ 1plus cause watch ghost show with hubby bro. & now woke up @ 8plus.. Just simply can't get back to sleep liao... Hubby went to work & will be back @ 11plus.. Just give him a call, and he sound so angry.. Don't why leh? Maybe never eat breakfast lor.. Haiz, wanted to talk more to him he so kan chiong put down.. He still say "maybe later i go see my ah gong".. I was like WTF! You cannot tomorrow then go mah? Cannot bring me along mah? I also want to go mah.. & somemore you say want to buy the nice nice duck rice for me one leh.. Haiz, maybe he forget already lor.. Anyway, i just guai guai stay @ home waiting for his return lor.. Loving you means priceless to me.. Now chatting with weili @ msn.. She so cute ask me next time can go cycle together and ask me what time bicycle come.. Hmm, really feel so happy whenever i think of this group of gals.. They really accompany me through my life no matter i'm happy or sad.. Even though last time we use to quarrel very offen, but we will still get back to normal after awhile. Really hope that i can see them everyday with a smile on their face, a healthy and a stress free them. I think i gonna stop here le...

♥ 11:15 AM

Friday, August 06, 2004

First thing woke up, faster run to the mirror & see if my lips got like "XIANG CHANG" anot? [ Lucky dun have leh ]Today i started work at 6.55AM, cause hubby say need to reach camp. So " Bo Bian ", has to wake up early. So tired! Had my breakfast at 08.20AM then our last appointment will hopefully finish by 11.30AM (if they're not late). This is not a typical work day for me, but it does happen once or twice a month. I really can't complain because this means that our teams is getting more and more project and that's a good thing. I have a 1 hour break now and a lot of the engineers are sleeping. My stupid lip was so tight & painful! Went to see our company doctor downstairs. Haiz, I almost wanted to quit my job yesterday. I've been so stressed this past few months that I just could not take it anymore. I ended up crying at night when all the people fall asleep. Wanted telling GC to get someone to replace me. But I think she will apologized and end up saying that she has been really stressed too. Anyway, this morning was not too bad. Shee hasn't found anything wrong about my work, but I guess I'm working better because I got to say things I've been keeping inside for awhile now. Let's see how long this truce will last. :)

♥ 12:36 PM

Wednesday, August 04, 2004

Almost all my friends at work here have either left or are leaving. Their destination. The sad part is that not all of them really want to go. How ironic is it that I can't go back (even though I'm dying to) and these friends of mine who want to stay here have to? Life is a series of cruel jokes! I swear nothing ever goes according to plan. This week has really been depressing! Even my work has been affected. Everything just go wrongs. Not even a single day that has passed and I didn't do anything wrong. It's frustrating! And somemore, there is so many work waiting for me to finish. I'm just going to make the most of it because I know the next 16 weeks after that will be really tiring and would try my patience. I really just wish that my boss would get a response from the travel desk department soon. So that he can fly off soon & no one will stand beside me &amp; nag & nag & nag. Very "FAN REN". I don't know what kind of feeling will get to me first... Anxiety or loneliness? Well, enough of this whining and winging. I just have less than a month till I go on a holiday with bibi & maybe dewei. I'm really looking forward to that! Hope that it would be a happy one. Really hope that bibi will bring his didi there, coz I feel that he so "Ke Lian"! Everytime stay at home and play game. At else go out to others country and look look see see lor.. Heehee, hope my wishes will come true.

♥ 9:51 PM

Tuesday, August 03, 2004

Felt so disappointed on some peoples today. Can't imagine that he breech my trust in him. Turning his backs to me . Haiz, blame it on my vanity. All because of a conversation. shakes head OMG!!! You like that? Can some body enlighten me? It's already our 5 month. I thought we had just promise each others that we will not quarrel again? I thought yesterday you just told me you wanted to be my " SHOU HU XIN "? Why can't you just give in to me abit? Sometime, i am only trying to be naughty with you. I just want you to show more care & concern to me cannot mah? Do you know how i feel anot? Whenever you shouted at me, i feel so sad. Even through my tear never flow down from my cheeks, but it's flows down from my heart. It that so difficult to reach your promise? Let me list out some of the messages you send to me that touches my heart & again grain my trust on you....
" Dear u know when u ask hubby not to leave u in ur dream last nite, i wake up wif tears. I blame myself for being so stupid & such an idiot guy. Jus wanna tell what i have done, i realli dun haf the intention of hurting or being unfaithful to u. I blame myself that how come i will hurt a gal who love me so much. "
" I realli hope that u will trust me one last time. Leave all the unhappy things behind & go for our promises & dreams. "
" Pls dun like that. I realli know all the hurt & fault that i half done. Will you forgive me & let me give u all that u wan from ur bf? I will treasure u & cherish u deeply. "
" Can u let me buy u an new helmet? It's a new one & i will make till very beautiful & i will take very gd care of it jus like how i'm going to take care of u & cherish u. "
" Foolish gal, bibi will not leave u. Bibi will want to settle down & lead a simple life with u onli. Okok we both try to change our temper k? "
" My dear gal, hubby miss u too. Everytime do things will think of u suddenly. Very soon we will get our flat & car. We will be able to live together every moment. "
You know whenever we quarrel, i will open up all this messages & read it one by one. I always blame myself for not being a good gf that why make u so unhappy & sad. But sometime is really your fault & u also want to denied until it become my fault. How long can i stand all this? I really love you. I try my best to give u all i can & even your family too. I always ask myself, " DO U WORTH ALL THIS? " Same answer always appear in my mind "YES, WHY NOT." Is all because i love you that why i am willing. Please don't fate away my love for you.

♥ 7:02 PM

Monday, August 02, 2004

My day sucked! So, this week I worked as normal 40 hours and today was my first day of work since it's Monday. Well, it started with me being woken up numerous times by bibi & his sleepy voice. Then I get up, go toilet wash my face & bath. Take me around 15 mins. The sky was out of control, it's raining & this should be the time for me to sleep. Well " Bo Bian ", need to work leh. But my bao bei bibi took off today & he still sent me to work. [so caring & sweet of him][thank a lot bibi, can we stop all the quarrel? I'm really sick & tired of all this.] But bibi wanted me to wear the ugly ugly rain coat.. EeeEeee! So "ER XIN".. Bibi say, if I dun wear I will get wet & fall sick, so "Bo Bian" again, wear lo. Inside blur color rain coat & outside brown color jacket. Dun know like what sia. I felt so uncomfortable coz as if on the expressway, a lot of people were looking @ me. Then we went to MOBIL pump oil & buy breakfast then straight to work. When reaches work place, so many many things waiting for me to complete. Need to settle the left over printers, 2nd tray, arrange for confidential scrap & ect.... Somemore, I go check my claim still have not approval yet. So angry! I think my manager sleeping sia. Dun know what the hell she is going. So busy! Even want to go toilet also no time. Sian ar~ Just now bibi came and fetch me. Now just reach home. Now waiting for bibi's mum to cook and we go for our dinner lor. Today really sucked BiG fAt DoNkEy BaLlS

♥ 6:25 PM

Sunday, August 01, 2004

Today is AH HAO DIDI's Birthday. Wish him a Happy Birthday. May all his wishes came true. Feel so bad, can't buy him the things he want. I'm so useless! But I promise myself, once I have the money, I confirm will buy back for him. Tired Ar~ Tomorrow still have to work again lea. Really don't feel like going lor. "SI BEI SIAN". Didn't rest well over the weekend. Somemore just finish quarrel with hubby. Feel so SAD & UNHAPPY! How I wish he can like the "ZHEN QING" de "XIANG HAI". Dote & give in to his wife so much. Really hope that we will not quarrel again lor. But whenever I see the funny pattern coming out from him, I feel so fucking irritating. Haiz, don't say anymore leh. Even my family member also help him, then say my temper not good & everytime want to find fault on him. Only my mummy help me, all the other are useless bum. Last time I used to write diaries everyday since I was young. Still remember, that time diary was written in book. I do like to reveal my feeling in my dairy, but I still keep some of the secret. In fact, diary should be the most private things for us, but I found thst I still feel insecure to reveal all the secrets in it. When I write my diary, I'll imagine how people think when they read it. But ain't diary shouldn't be read by anyone? I also don't know leh? Sometime i think I'm a planner. I like to plan my time. I'll get frustrated when things do not true out as it is. But there are a lot of things in life that we can't plain or just go out of our plan. Maybe I am just a bad planner or what lor.

♥ 11:07 PM